Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Chicago sounds lovely.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Truth
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security