“I can’t believe twitter is free” it isn’t, there is an inconceivable toll
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.