Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.