I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco