What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”