Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*