If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
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No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”