“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?