Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!