[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
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Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.