Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy