When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
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She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.