Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.