Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
i- i did not expect this
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?