I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
But that’s none of my business
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Thursday Thought.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…