I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
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If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Probably my best painting.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.