My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I was very concerned with my Grandma today