4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?