Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Finally, an explanation.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.