You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
bad news gang
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.