My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
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Shark week, but for squirrels.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
.. do you even science?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.