So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My time has come.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days