<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
You Might Also Like
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Fries, not lies.