I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese