Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I feel seen.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.