“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.