If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
You Might Also Like
it’s finally my moment to shine
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.