Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Whoa 😂
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.