When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids