People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.