*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.