Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.