me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
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My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie