You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator