Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*