The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]