I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Worst bar ever.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.