I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Bootstraps
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I just ran a .003048K
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.