dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor