my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
it’s the silliest best thing
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Wikigenius
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave