[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.