Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
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me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”