Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now