I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy