In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
uncle dave has been through hell
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone