*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
my professor scared me for a second
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”