Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down