My summer body has been pending for about ten years
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
found my next D&D character name
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene