At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
😏😏😏
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
scrabbled eggs
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery