It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Put my back out twerking in the library again
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP